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Earlier tonight, I enjoyed one of those moments where everything in the universe seemed to be converging to make one simply perfect moment. more…
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That puts me approximately here:
1 ——–*———– 0

I can’t believe I’ve already used up something like 41% of my life. I would have thought that I would have accomplished more by this point. I was thinking, maybe it’s just that I don’t have any goals, so I figured I’d sit down and come up with some.

My Life Goals

• Graduate College
• Move Someplace with Decent Weather
• Get Job as Creative Director
• Purchase a Home
• Learn to Fly - I have this one partially struck out. I have about 3 or 4 hours. I have taken off, flown around and landed. In doing that, I accomplished my main goal, so I’m not sure I want to put in the time/expense of actually getting a pilot’s license (unless I am one day in a position to buy my own plane)
• Buy Own Plane (what the hell)
• Write a Novel
• Retire a Millionaire
• Buy Vacation Home - Maybe a cabin in the woods on a lake or some place down by the beach, some place quiet where I can get away when I need a break
• Learn a Second Language
• Learn to Sail
• Create One Thing That is Genuinely, Intrinsically Good
• ??????

Is that it? Somehow it just doesn’t feel like a full and complete life. Within that, I suppose there will be other things like watch lots of TV, read lots of interesting books, listen to lots of interesting music, meet a few interesting people, fall in love a few times. Those things just don’t seem like goals though. Find a way to live forever seems like a goal. With anticipated advances in biotech and nano-science, that even seems like it might be possible.

I don’t know. I think I need more ideas. What are your goals?

I’ve never been a closer.

I went to this networking/cocktail party type deal tonight. Every time I go to one of these things, I remember why I never go to these types of things. more…
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The weirdest stuff happens to me in restaurants. Take for instance this recent exchange:

Waitress: How is everything?

Me: It’s good. Thanks.

Waitress: ???
(it was unintelligible, but it sounded like “do you want a chair?”)

Me (mind racing furiously): Ughm…

Waitress: It looks really good. I’d love a bite.

Me (realizing the first thing must have been “Do you want to share”): Ughm

Waitress (reaching for my Credit Card on the table): Do you want me to run this for you?

Me: Ugh yeah. Thanks.

Now, I’m sure she was joking.

I ….

I think she was joking. It’s just, it so thoroughly crossed the bounds of the set social roles. It was just BOOM! With no warning she went from person who brings me food to person who wants my food. I felt like I had to protect it from her, but being reflexively polite, I also felt like maybe I had to offer her I bite since she asked. But, I didn’t want to offer her a bite. I was really hungry and I wanted it all. I’m trying to put all this together in my head in the second I had to decide how to respond, and I’m thinking why would she ask me that? Is she trying to flirt? She can’t be. There was no lead-in. I don’t even think there was eye contact. I mean does she really want a bite? She has to be joking.

Is it just me? I mean, I know I don’t always do well with people. They don’t always make sense to me, and I’m way more comfortable when things make sense. Computers make sense. Generally everything in the world makes sense. People? Not so much.

I do well in restaurants because the social roles are defined. I know what’s expected of me. I don’t need to think about the interaction. I don’t even really need to listen to what the person’s saying. In fact, I’m not even sure I do listen to what they’re saying. That’s why that first “do you want to share” line was so unintelligible to me. It didn’t fit in the pattern I was counting on. I was completely thrown, and I’m left feeling like it was somehow my fault. It’s like I need to be less rigid or something. Like if I could step out of myself I’d get that she was really being funny or friendly or something. I don’t know though. It just seems so inappropriate to me. It can’t just be me can it?

Emode.com sucks. I mean I like that they say my IQ is 142 and that I’m equally good at math and verbal tasks. But, their personality test … Well let’s just say that this:

That means you’re open minded, extroverted, free-spirited, and independent. Chances are you’re pretty liberal. You’re like a magnet for love and affection. People adore you. And, thanks to that healthy dose of self-confidence, you’re super-flexible.

is about as far from me as it’s possible to get. Plus they’re all about harvesting e-mail addresses and trying to sell you crap. I can’t help wondering if they’re affiliated with the Church of Scientology. It sort of has that feel to it.

By the way, in case for some absurd reason you are interested in my personality type, INTJ comes pretty close to the mark.

I was chatting with a friend of mine who suggested I might be well served by volunteering to help with something.

I can be pretty egocentric, so it probably would be good for me to take a little time to direct some of my energies outward. I tend to like literacy types of things, so Reading to Kids looks interesting (leaving aside the fact that I don’t really like kids all that much). I do wonder if it really does anything to help.

Venice Arts looks pretty interesting as well. The thing there is — I spend all day working as a creative director, I don’t know that I really want to go do the same type of thing with my off time. As I keep looking at and rejecting opportunities that seem unpleasant, I can’t help realizing that I’m really looking for some way that I could get involved and help people without actually having to do anything.

I guess I’ll have to keep thinking about it.

There’s a crispness in the air tonight. I don’t know what it is, but there’s something about the weather that just feels like Autumn.

The Fall was always my favorite time of year. Growing up in Nebraska, I hated the Winters. They were always too cold. And, I didn’t much like the Summers either. They were always so hot and humid. Spring was usually OK, but nothing compares to Autumn.

I was thinking about that, and how Los Angeles doesn’t really have seasons. There is kind of a rainy period in Jan/Feb that I guess you could kind of call winter. But, mostly it’s always pretty perfect. Don’t get me wrong. That’s why I moved here, and I love it. It does mean you lose Autumn though. That may be why I’ve sort of given up on Halloween. October 31st used to be my favorite holiday. Now though it generally passes unnoticed. Most holidays do pass unnoticed for me, but blowing off Halloween is a new one for me.

Well, as I was thinking about all that, I realized that I’ve been living in California for nearly 8 years. That is roughly 25% of my life to date. I can’t believe that. It just doesn’t seem like I’ve been here for a quarter of my life.

I spent most of my elementary school age years in this little town in the middle of Nebraska. That was only like 7 years. And while in many ways, that seems like virtually my entire childhood, I think I’ve now been in California longer than that. Time is weird, and it gets more distorted the older I get.

Michael Barris feels your life can be reduced to a story that can be told in five words. OK, I’m game. How’s this:

False Risk Is Almost Enough.

Additional responses collected here.

The Donger Need:
Food
Shower
Sleep (!) (!)
(?)

By the way, would it have killed one of you people to remind me to throw a load of towels in before I left? Do you want me to have to stay up all night? Do you want me to be moist and uncomfortable tomorrow? I build you this beautiful site, and are you there for me? I’m sorry, but why do I bother? “There was no one at the mutant hamster races. We had one entry for the Madame Curie look-alike contest and he was disqualified later. ”
(?)

I never know how to respond when a waitress flirts with me. I know, I know …. Just flirt back right? But, I just can’t. I always feel like I’m being played. I mean, I know that at least 99.9999% of the time, it’s all about the tip, and the other 0.0001% of the time it’s mostly about the tip. I have trouble enough reading social signs. When you add in whole other levels and those signs are masking or serving ulterior motives, I end up feeling like I’m drowning or something.

Plus, my ability to engage socially requires a mental energy that I have in such short supply, and after this week with sales people and meetings and other stuff, I’m just completely drained. Next week looks like more of the same too, so I’ll probably be in total shut-down mode by the time next weekend rolls around.

Man, she was cute too - which only makes it like a billion times worse.

*Warren Zevon - Lawyers, Guns and Money