Feed on

Oh, God — The Burning

I was a little iffy about blogging this, but I figured what the hell. It’s sort of funny, and if Andre can write about accidentally drinking his own semen I should at least be able to share my ongoing battle with hair.


See, I got some bad genes that made me really hairy. I mean like really, REALLY hairy. I’m talking if Robin Williams and Ed Asner had a love child that was exposed to radiation that caused a horrible genetic mutation kind of hairy. I’ve always been kind of self-conscious about it because I know most people don’t find that kind of thing all that attractive.

Anyway, tonight I decided I was finally going to do something about it. I’ve been sort of longingly looking at that laser hair removal ’cause it’s all hi-tech and Sci-Fi. I love me the hi-tech and Sci-Fi. Everything I read though says that it’s not permanent. It only lasts a year or two, and it’s really expensive and that’s just too much of a nod towards vanity. I’ve never seriously considered waxing because, just NO. I have seriously considered a depilatory which is the route I decided to take tonight. So, off I trundle to the store with the goal of picking myself up a bottle of Nair.

Turns out Nair comes in a lovely pink bottle, so if you don’t already feel a little like a woman just going into the isle to find the stuff, once you find it you’ll know you’re a woman. A woman with lots and lots of hair on her back. I get to the register, and there are these two girls behind me giggling and talking in Spanish. You know how when people are chatting in a language you don’t speak, you kind of get the feeling maybe they’re talking about you? Yeah well, try that sometime when you’re actually doing something you feel a little embarrassed to be doing.

Anyway, I bought it and got home, and now I have another problem. What should I do about my chest? Do I hit the stomach and leave the leave the chest hairy since society seems to be at least a little OK with hair on the chest for some reason. Same hair people, but anyway whatever. I decided that I’d start with my stomach since that was easy to see and get to. Then I was going to hit the back and then maybe come back for the chest depending on how it looked.

They say to lather this stuff on thick and goopy. They ain’t kidding. My first shot at this, I think I rubbed it in a little too much and left it a little too thin. I waited the 4 minutes to try scrapping the hair off, but it was coming out in really spotty patches. So now my stomach looks a little like I’ve been through chemo. I couldn’t leave it like that. I figured I’d better hit it again. They say whatever you do, don’t leave it on more than 10 minutes. Now my question — if you’re going to do it twice, is that a cumulative figure?

Yes. Yes it is. Now, I’m starting to feel a little burning sensation on my stomach. But, I decided what the hell. I’m a man. I’ve had a second degree sunburn before. What’s a little chemical burn next to that? I gutted it out and waited through the burn.

Finally, I jump in the shower to wash the stuff off, and the hair is coming away leaving my belly looking all red and baby like. Cool, this may work. Oh, but some of those clumps of Nair soaked hair residue are accumulating in areas where I don’t want to have burning chemicals, so now I’m frantically rinsing and wiping and desperately wondering how much contact is going to be too much contact.

I’m also noticing that there are a couple of areas that I must not have hit like my belly button, and even where I did get it, there are these tiny little hairs like razor stubble that are just going to annoy the hell out of me I’m sure. I wasn’t about to slather on another coat though. I was already exceeding the maximum dosage.

So, I dry off, and now I have to deal with my back. I come to discover that there are huge areas of my back that I just can’t reach. Jets could land on these strips with absolutely no problems. Entire freeway systems could be constructed without having to apply eminent domain to any of the neighboring housing communities. We’re talking large areas of back completley untouched and completely unreachable.

This is bad for several reasons. Number one, it means I’ve never really been able to clean my back. I had no idea. I guess it’s a good thing backs don’t smell. Number two it means that while I now have areas of my back that are smooth and red, I also have areas that are quite obviously still hairy. I have to say – that seems worse than when I started. I tried a couple of times craning and straining and twisting to get my hands back there. I now have some seriously burned areas where I was able to keep reaching repeatedly, but large swaths of my back are as unexplored as some parts of Africa. I’m beat. I’m on fire. So are my eyes by the way. I was intensely conscious of not rubbing my eyes even though they naturally started itching as soon as I got that crap on my hands. My eyes are still burning for some reason though. I half expect to wake up completely blind tomorrow.

I think I may need to find a friend who can help me finish the job. I don’t think I’ll be trying this again. If you have a laser though let me know because I’m pretty sure I could soup that baby up to be just what I need.

Update: Well, I engaged the enemy for a second round, and I’m sorry to report that despite valiant efforts, at the end of the melee, it was Nair 2 Will 0.

I managed to clean up a bunch of my back. It’s burning though. The burning before was but a subtle prelude, sort of like sniffing the cork before enjoying a fine bottle of wine. Also, although my MacGyver back reaching tool seemed perfect in concept it lacked a little in execution. I was flinging pink glop everywhere. My bathroom looks a little like peptobismal factory exploded. I still managed to miss a couple of stray areas as well. It’s a problem, but it’s better than it was.

My chest did not fair nearly so well. It turns out that being the studly man of a man that I am, my chest hair is actually impervious to Nair. Well, I managed to take out a couple of strips here or there — you know the weak hairs that really wanted to be leg hairs, but their parents made them go into chests cause that’s where all the “money” is. Those are the exception though. Most of the hairs laughed off this attack like the Germans walking into France.

My chest though – not nearly so strong as my chest hair. OH MY GOD!!!! Burning? Yep I got that. Red, ugly looking hives? Oh yea we got that too. And the nipples? I didn’t give nearly enough thought to the nipples. Oh, I sort of knew to stay away from them if I could. I just didn’t thing that the barest contact would have them flaming up like two red giants. We’re talking blazing hot nuclear furnaces here.

3 Responses to “Oh, God — The Burning”

  1. milli vanilli says:

    I feel your pain, simian brother. My wife refers to me as an orangutan, which I might add, were the most intelligent primates on the Planet of the Apes…

  2. Eric says:

    Thanks for the post. I’ll be sure not to use nair now… I was actually considering it. I have one of those jungles on my chest and stomach too. Had it since freshman year in high school, never been a big hit with the ladies. Thank God I decied to check on it before actually tring it. It just sounds so easy and painless. just wipe on and wipe off. looks like I’m back to the rasor and gel…

  3. Missy says:

    Oh my. I wished you had asked a girl about nair. My theory is that people only try nair once, and that’s it! It’s smelly, it burns, it never works the way it says, and it’s messy. Sadly, the only way to kind of remove hair perfectly is a salon wax! Painful, expensive, and can sometimes be akward for us girls when asking for the bikini (but at least the hair thins). But really, how can a hairy man be bad!? Many, many, many women find even Robin Williams hairy a good thing! So relax, don’t mess with it!

Leave a Reply

You must be logged in to post a comment.