raleighnet.org

The internet is boring tonight, so I figured I’d add a bit of my own content instead. So here you go, copied out of an e-mail I wrote earlier today:

Driving home Saturday, I was brutally attacked on
the freeway and nearly died. Some plastic sack made a
beeline for my car and plastered itself to my front
windshield blocking out any and all vision of the road
ahead. So there I am, barreling down the 405 at about
70 miles an hour, weaving just a little bit within my
lane while I roll down the window and try to claw this
sack out of my way.

Let me tell you, the sack wasn’t having any of it. It
held tight to my window with a strength of will that
could only be described as intelligent, and yes, I’ll
say it … Purly Evil! And, I’m not talking about your
average everyday run-of-the-mill evil here. No, this
wasn’t the kind of simple malevolence that you find in
serial killers or concentration camps. This was a
level of pure evil that I’ve only ever encountered in
a few episodes of Small Wonder (that show with the
little girl who was really a robot). I’m talking about
Time Bandits style evil here.

Fortunately, I walk a righteous path, and I was
finally able to pull it free. But, when I got home,
what do you suppose I found wedged into my rolled up
window like a hook from some lame ghost story? That’s
right, the very same plastic sack that was hell bent
on my very destruction. So now I’m stuck. I don’t want
to just release it into the wild because that kind of
evil shouldn’t be left to run free (plus, I’m not a
litter bug). But, there ain’t no way I’m going to take
it into my home. Given half a chance, I’m sure it
would have been more than happy to smother me in my
sleep.

It still had some fight in it, but I managed to get it
over to one of the complex’s dumpsters. You want to
know what’s really weird though? The next morning I
went for a 3 mile walk - because I’ve been eating like
crap for 2 weeks and needed to get out and move so I
wouldn’t feel completely and totally gross. Well, as I
was walking along, everywhere I went, there were
plastic sacks. I’m serious. It was like the paper boy
from Better Off Dead or something. I’m fairly certain
that I’m being stalked, and now I want to go find the
king of the plastic sacks and ask it what I’ve done to
offend it.