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I awoke this morning at about 4 am, not a bit hung over, and feeling surprisingly refreshed and present. My car has needed an oil change and a tune up for … well, let’s just say forever. So, I figured, as long as I’m up…

Now, last night, all I wanted to hear was The Pogues. Some lame-ass Celtic band was truly mangling their way through a set, and I just wanted some refreshing sherbet (or should that be day-old coffee with cigarette butts floating on top) to cleanse my auditory palette so to speak. Well, when I climbed into my car today, I had to throw on Rum, Sodomy and the Lash.

It was as you might expect just what the doctor ordered at 6 in the mother f’n AM. And, all kidding aside, I was digging it as I drove to find a restaurant where I could wait for the garage to open at 7:30. I got to the diner at about 6:40 which was a problem since it turns out they don’t open until 7. I didn’t want to wait, so I decided to go somewhere else.

That was my first mistake…

more…

The waitress as this place was so ancient as to be brittle, so of course the cook (who inexplicably came out of the kitchen to seat me), put me about as far away from anyplace as it was possible to get in this surprisingly large restaurant. I had to sit there watching her make her glacial progress towards me wondering how close I needed to let her get before just shouting out my order. In truth, there was really no sense even placing an order, as she was determined to bring me what she wanted anyway.

Diet Coke with no Ice? Yeah, no. It had ice in it. By this point, I was starting to feel a little queasy, and a little bit tired, and I didn’t really have the strength to ask her to take it back. I figured fine, I’ll drink your watery drink with the stupid melting ice that gets in the way and makes it impossible to really drink comfortably.

Egg White Omelet with Fruit? Yeah, no. She brought me a vegetarian omelet with potatoes and mushrooms. Ughgh! I detest mushrooms. I just wanted to eat and get out of there, but I really couldn’t go along with that one. I had to have her take it back. She wheezed out an apology. “You know those buttons are so close together.” Yeah, I’m sure those buttuns get pretty small when your eyes are like a thousand.

You know how I said I was starting to feel queasy? Yeah, at this point that was coming on in full effect, and I really didn’t want to eat anything anyway. Still, I was in it now, so I sat their waiting for my plate of protein, and managed to choke most of it down.

First thing in the morning, their bathroom has to be spotless and clean right? Yeah, no. I’ve seen cleaner places at outdoor concerts. Completely. Unusable.

I still had 15 minutes before the garage was going to open, but I just couldn’t stay at this place for another second. My plan was to go out to my car and finish that Pogues record, but it was becoming clear to me that wasn’t going to be a very good idea. I started driving instead, and quickly decided to just bag the whole idea of having my car serviced.

The Pogues, which had started my drive out sounding so welcome and exactly right were beginning to become hollow comfort. So, I put on Air Supply’s Greatest Hits instead. Yeah, I don’t know why either, but I have to tell you those cornball lyrics and overproduced pop sounds were just about exactly right. I’ve got it on a loop right now, I’m sure I’ll get sick of it in an hour or two, but until then, every star in the sky is taking aim at your eyes like a spotlight.