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No, it’s not a 4 week old meme you jaded, denizens of internet cool you. It’s a Dessert Buffet at the Four Seasons in Beverly Hills. This will be dangerous. See, I overeat at normal buffets. They’re always so expensive, I feel like I need to eat more than I really want to get my money’s worth.

I can only imagine how much I’m going to eat at a dessert buffet. But, if you can’t cheerfully gain 5 million pounds during the holidays, when can you? I’m told this is a swank place and that I should wear a tie. That’s fine - I got plenty of ties. I don’t have any grown-up shoes though. My last vestiges of teenage rebellion, that need to be an individual who’s super cool and above it all, is in direct conflict with the additionally teenage like desires to fit in. I’m a complex beast my friends, and I ain’t afraid to end my sentences in prepositions either, so you just better back the hell off.